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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Sing it!
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Succinctly put.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.