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Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.