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Men think of arguments as single isolated events. Women, in my experience, think of them as installments in some sort of perpetual continuum


son *sits down* [sigh] What a day
wife *kicks me under the table to get me to respond*
me *starts sliding my beer over to him*
wife *kicks me harder*


God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad


BARISTA: I have an order for…God? Is there a God?
[no one answers]
ATHEIST: Haha told ya
GOD: *exiting bathroom* Sorry I’m here
ATH: Shit


Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.


Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.


The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.


Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.