“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
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“This Tweet has been deleted.”
A thread 🧵
Get better soon! (I know you’re not sick, I just think you can do better)
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer