Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.

Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.

Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.

I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.

But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?

– Food Trucks

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys