I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
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Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Don’t talk down to me
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”