I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
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My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*