I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
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me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.
I don’t even know where that is.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Mom says she’s watching a video about dating fossils.
I wonder if that’s how she met Dad?
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Vodka burrito was a success
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?