I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
You Might Also Like
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
We don’t deserve birds.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired