I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
me as a parent
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Erm I’m gonna say no
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
LMAO
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”