I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
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[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
very niche meme I made
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
We all like to think we’re smart. Idk why I’ll click and make sure the car is locked just to see the lights go on 2-3x.
Extra lockiness.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”