Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.

“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”

…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.

Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!

Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

Me: Why are you digging in your ear?

3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!

Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?