“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
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*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Never skip the footnotes – it’s here you find out who made the author angry enough to write the article.
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
boys are so easy to impress
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’