Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

This is me

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

Where is that goddamn asteroid already

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.

when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk

~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.

Note to self: I am a note

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.

Timber, dipshit.

Literally all I do as a librarian:

It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules