“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
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SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”