Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

[eye doctor’s office]

receptionist: do you have vision insurance

me: yup *hands over card*

receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate

me: but my eyes are in my body

receptionist:

me: and they’re unhealthy

Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.

2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod

2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod

Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

😎 🍻

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.

*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

The most accurate map ever devised.

Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

The horror. The apostrophe’s.