“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
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How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
You know…for fall…
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
I wish I could call my dad’s therapist and be like “hey what exactly are you working on over there???”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what