I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
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while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Saw this yesterday lol
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I put the I in Insufferable.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago