I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.