Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.

I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.

I have diarrhea.

I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.

No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now

interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate

me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?

interviewer: wrong popeyes

me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?

texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

Jack is coming over.

“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens

Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.

[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama

“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*

I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am

Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?

In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.