“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
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*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*