Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.

I live alone, but still.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

Always this one for me forever

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.

*Stands at produce aisle

*Grabs GIANT zucchini

*Holds it high in the air

*Yells:

Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!

Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT

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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.