“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
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Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Pot warmers of the day.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*