Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.

So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.

[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

*signing divorce papers*

Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?

I’ll go first: I went to college.

This is the best one I’ve seen

karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple

[later]

my bully brad: you’re stupid

me: where is your place of worship

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

Reasons to have a landline phone:

1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing

2. See reason #1

why does this building look like a guilty dog

judge: i hold you in contempt

me: get in line, pal

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.