I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?