I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Lmao
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon