I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
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You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
As a lawyer who works in a big city I am EXTREMELY concerned that my significant other is going back to their small hometown for the holidays. There are a ton of locally owned bakeries in it too…
I fear that I will get Hallmarked by someone who wants to show her the true meaning of Christmas
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take