Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?

Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.

the rocks need my help

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.

After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.

My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.

Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?