I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.