Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vodka burrito was a success

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

Weighing myself:

“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”

“Okay, best of 3”

Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…

I’d use my best pan on you.

Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary

Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada