Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quadruple digit IQ

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!

Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

Death: this is the afterlife

Me: ugh there’s more?

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

#MeanwhileInCanada

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty