Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.

As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.

IT guy: what seems to be the problem

me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again

IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months

I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?

Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

#TopTip

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

This checks out

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly