Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who will tell him he’s not a dog !

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

Yes my dude

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.

My favorite child is the Roomba.

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

wife: i’m going into labor

husband: when

wife: now

husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these

I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing

medusa: look into my gaze

me:

dwayne johnson: did it do anything?

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*

MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?

ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships

REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:

Thorothy

Captain Caillou

Aunt Man

Backfat

Iron Jan

Thanus

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

[first day as a weatherman]

ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?

ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece

A little bit of chocolate just melted on my hotel room bed and the more you try to explain that to housekeeping the more it seems like that’s not chocolate.

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered