I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance