I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
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need him
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.