Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?

Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.

What the hell kind of scary shit is that?

doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news

wife: [crying]

me: that’s a spicy meatball

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

Buying In Bulk

In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month

In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight

Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.

Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.

So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.

Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly

If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.

judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.

me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.

Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJ Maxx

Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*