I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
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does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.