I love you to the refrigerator and back
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me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Its a hippotatomus
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade