I love you to the refrigerator and back
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ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store