I love you to the refrigerator and back
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COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Them: Hey aren鈥檛 you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
i hate when you鈥檙e boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg鈥檚 ghost escapes. very scary and i don鈥檛 like it
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Gar莽on, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entr茅es?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren鈥檛 supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?
dentist: ma鈥檃m that鈥檚 not necessary for a cavity filling
I saw this ending much differently.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
john denver: 馃幍life is old there. older than the trees.馃幎
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 馃幍younger than the mountains馃幎
me: oh not that old then.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes