I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police