Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.

My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.

Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb

I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

I am not a strong enough person to listen to my parents eat cereal

Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

Let’s walk and talk.

You go that way.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

[Apple meeting]

We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.

“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”

Too honest, Carl.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

Doctor: You have athletes foot

Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?

Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

I hate how early it gets dark now.

Alaska: LOL