I love you…
…r dog.
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Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
you have three unread messages
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
i get that people are lonely but making the cashier in front of me your new bff is holding up the line
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)