I love you…
…r dog.
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Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?