I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
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“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
happy valentine’s day to me
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.