Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?

Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.

*looks at you in batman voice*

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.

Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.

anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

[dog training]

Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…

Dog: *sits there*

Me: What’s wrong, boy?

Dog: *hands me Purell*

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

It took me three decades to become an overnight success.

Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!

Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?

[after dinner]

Mugger: gimme your wallet.

Me: can I keep my drivers license?

Mugger: fine.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.

Me: oh.

Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.

Me: [velcro sound].

Mugger: you know what forget it.

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead

i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face