I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
2022: I can fix it
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.