I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
🖤✌🏽
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things