Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*

Wife: Where’s Brian?

Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?

[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?

*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole

When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

ME: being single again is great

FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner

ME: alfredo sauce

FRIEND: on?

ME: … a plate

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

👮‍♂️New comic: Good Cop, Bad Cop👮‍♂️

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

[me, stacking babies on top of each other]

Him: Wha…What are you doin there?

Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

Nothing flies faster than the ketchup out of the bottle when you only want a little.