Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.

I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

I have two things hanging up in my office:

1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did

I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.

Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.

I’ve never related to anyone less.

Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service

Batman: Your carrier sucks

Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?

Batman: Bat Mobile

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

[titanic, 1912]

Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich

First mate: ICEBERG

Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?

Me: my personality

Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??

War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.