Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.

Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.

– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

*steals machine parts all year*

*gets coal for xmas*

“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”

*turns coal into diamond*

How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.

Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No

PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.

You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS