I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
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Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people