Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are you doing tonight?”

Gonna smoke some Herb.

“Nice.”

-guys who work in a crematorium

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

a lot to unpack here

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.

Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.

friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

me: I don’t know and I don’t care

if at first you don’t succeed that’s so embarrassing why are you so bad at this

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

wish me luck lads

Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.

My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.

Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.

remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.

4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.