Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Puts myself out there

Puts myself back bc wtfff

Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory

Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”

His answer: “My mom.”

my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

First date:

Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.

remember

only for emergencies

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

the three bears:

Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like

If you see something, say something.

My dog: i got this

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.