I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
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[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in
Pig: nope
Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
◾️
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.