Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

Them: you should buy crypto

Me:

Them: ok sell it now

Me:

Them: nvm buy it back

Me:

Them: OMG SELL IT

Me: [pulls AirPods out] what

I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face

My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.

A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.

Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?

Me: He travels, A LOT.

Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

BEETROOT

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
Come hither to my house with me

Beetroot, beetroot
Purple, earthy treat root
I long to roast you for my tea

#NationalPoetryDay

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!

7yo: I’m Coach Tommy

Coach: No wait…

Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!

*the whole team cheers*

Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.