Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]

Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you

Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”

Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.

there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it

My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*

Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s

*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*

SG- Those aren’t your pants

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.

Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????

Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.

Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no