“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
You Might Also Like
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
If completely vanishing from people’s lives is “ghosting” them, then only talking to people once a month should be called “werewolfing.”
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.