“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
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4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Oh deer
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.