Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: How are you feeling?

Me: Rage

Therapist: What is bringing you rage?

Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”

Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.

1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

🤷‍♀️

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

weaknesses

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:

1) oh my god for me?!

2) this is the best day ever

3) this house is full of thieves trust no one

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer