I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
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Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.
He has a belt in partial arts
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.