Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?

Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.

me: i think i got rabies from a bat in our tree.
my wife: why were you near a bat?
me: i cannot make friends with a bat through email, carol. they do not have computers.
my wife: my name is cheryl.
me: {dies from rabies}

[in a crowded elevator]

ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.

“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”

*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.

For anyone who needs this today

Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.

Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.