Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.

Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos

me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?

therapist: yes help yourself

me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here

when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path

It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.

So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.

A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.