I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
idk what this dog had been going through but same
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot