Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.

Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

me: [trying to cheat in an exam]

teacher: I’m married

If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken

WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀

Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇

Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite

You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body

Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?