Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE

DOG 911: so?

DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

Ron Swanson with nurse:

Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?

“I have an uncle who does yoga”

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

“What are your dogs’ names?”

Me: “Calvin and Klein.”

“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”

Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?

Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No

12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?

Me: 98

If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.

“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?

You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

People can’t drive.

Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.

What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.