Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: most people don’t use their middle names

machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:

Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.

if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot

*God invents corgis*

God: what ingredients do we have left

Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet

God: lol check this out

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”

Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit

my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao

Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

[mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.

TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them

[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.

Twitter is like:

funny joke

funny joke

funny joke

HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE

funny joke

funny joke

angry guy who didn’t get the joke

My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.

The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.