I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
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My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’