I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
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Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
two unread emails:
– from HR: please fill out our anonymous survey
– from Boss: don’t forget about the survey, HR said you are the last one from our team
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac