I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
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My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is