I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I鈥檓 going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don鈥檛 know how I鈥檓 supposed to feel about that.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Intelligence is the new cleavage
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 馃槉
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Mary: https://t.co/FBHSZQ2Ynu
— David W. Peters (@dvdpeters) December 15, 2024
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit鈥as鈥eading.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see