I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Gods work.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
May your day taste like creamy soup.