Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.

Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.

I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.

me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets

insomnia: me either

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?

This is no longer an app but a mishapp

water it, i dare you

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness

waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.