Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women’s Magazines:

Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.

Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again

I want a job waking people up that I dislike.

Or I guess I could just get married

My boss just set a meeting for July  2024 and a little piece of me died.

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that

please stand back I’m about to make this worse

This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.

*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

If you love something, set it free.

(Does not apply to ferrets.)*

*I am no longer allowed on the subway.

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up