I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
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I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed