@dinnersruined

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

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@sixfootcandy

[couples therapy]

Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!

Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.

@benicus_rex

PBS EXEC: We need a new show and we need it now.

JIM HENSON: Okay, so…there’s this yellow, depressed ostrich whose best friend is a woolly mammoth. They live on the same street as a, um…a vampire and a green maniac who sleeps in a trash can.

PBS EXEC: First of all, YES!

@1slowery1

Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

@brennadine

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

@Knorg

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

@meganamram

At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose

@ieatanddrink

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

@Pork_Chop_Hair

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.