I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
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If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
me: can you empty the dishwasher please
9: what? What do you mean?
me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.