I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
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Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Me working 60+ hrs a week: I have 15 minutes free, so I should do 5 things.
Me unemployed: I can’t take a shower in less than 8 hours.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”