I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
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My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
i did the math
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower