I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
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M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Can’t, holding a grudge
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.