Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.

If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.

Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”

Me: ”Yes!”

Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”

Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

*survives trip to grocery store

*checks in as “safe” on Facebook

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.

I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …

I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.

When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH

Me: lmao go ahead I can take it

Townspeople: you have a dumb face

Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it

NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle