I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
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Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
I’m literally crying
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering