@stevevsninjas

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

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@motorace177

I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…

@JasonLastname

Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.

@whatbabytalk

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

@Cheeseboy22

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

@theshantilly

“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant

@BrainFumbles

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

@AllanForsyth

I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!

@donni

“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby