I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

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I’m looking for a girlfriend that likes me for my money, but is really bad at math…


Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.


Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!


If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.


“Let me make this very clear…”

– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant


They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.


I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!


“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby