I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
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Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.