Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

TRES leches?! En esta economía?!

Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this

*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.

We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.

My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

😂

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

I hope this email finds you in a well