Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please

home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons

me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing

*unwraps Babybel*

flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.

My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.

Ask me how I know.

Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

Things I’m leaving in 2021:

Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.

Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.

Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.

im so bored im gonna join a poly relationship and stage a coup and kick the main one out

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am

we all know this pain all too well

[2 men standing in an empty basement together]

Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.

He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.

I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.

Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin

Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.

Banderslack Clamberdorch

Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”