i made a craigslist ad !
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Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
respect
