i made a craigslist ad !
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Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…