Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
My Uber driver just said I sound like a CapitalFM presenter named Anne Mwaura.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
I was all set to seize the day but this anti-seizure medication is a lot stronger than I thought.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
“Sorry, I fail to see how I ‘misled’ you when my profile CLEARLY says I’m ‘a total cat person’?” – half-cat/half-person being after bad date
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[Gone for an hour]
Boss: Where have you been?
Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn’t find the beginning.