Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Putting socks on my feet to keep me warm isn’t enough. I want them to come up to my shoulders

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

Me: I wanna be ugly

Genie: you got 3 wishes left

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?

OUIJA BOARD: No.

ME: I don’t believe you.

OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.

I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.

I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

satan: not today, microsoft teams

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

How can you tell when a duck is a witch?

Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.