I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
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My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Godspeed, John Glenn
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]