I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
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“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
when u come home smelling like another dog
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
this will hang in the louvre one day
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??